Luttazzi's Plagiariezed Jokes (I Plagi)

Last update: 16/12/2011
(european date format)

Each plagiarized joke can be found under the paragraph of the comedian who said/wrote them. The plagiarized part of the jokes is in bold.

Nota: solo alcune battute contengono i riferimenti a dove Luttazzi le ha dette/scritte, poiché non è stato fatto dall'inizio. Ma se avete visto gli spettacoli o letto i libri di Luttazzi, riconoscerete la maggior parte di esse.

Il video inchiesta (non realizzato da me) sulla questione e che mostra una piccola parte dei plagi di Luttazzi a confronto cogli originali è scaricabile da torrent:
http://www.torrenthound.com/torrent/a3b789f78851bd9b77134311db5d8b5ac2554775
Metterlo su youtube o altri servizi di streaming non ha molto senso, perché la Krassner (aka Luttazzi) ne richiede prontamente la rimozione.

EMO PHILIPS

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
-> Cosmico, pag. 51

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
-> Satyricon, pag. 94

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

The one with Van Gogh picture donated anonimously to a museum and him who goes to the front deks and says "I'm the anonimous doner and I want it back!".
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 183

(http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/142)
You know when you are in bed at night and your house starts making noises you don't hear during the daytime, like "Emo I'm going to kill you...". Well, I remember that song: [sings a song I don't know]. And I start whispering [makes sound of whisper]. And I feel a hand around my neck and a voice "thanks, I thought I'd never find you in the dark".
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag.151

I went to grammar school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." [...] He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?" So he shows me the petition.
And I go to the psychologist and he says: “Emo, what does this ink blot look like to you?” I said “Oh, it's kind of embarassing”. He says: “Emo, everyone sees something so don't be embarassed: tell me what the ink pot looks like to you”, I said: “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach serie to test compulsiveness”.
And he gets kind of depressed, I said “Ok, it's a butterfly!” And he cheers up. He says “What does this ink blot look like?”. I say “It's a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation”. He said “No, the ink blot over there, this is a photo of my wife you're looking at!” [...]
And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny and this shows how tricky those guys [scil. psicologi] are. I eat the chocolate bunny and I think "Wait a second. This isn't around Easter. Was this some test?"
He said "Yes"
"Ad what does it mean?"
He said "Well, had you eaten the head first, you'd've been normal; had you eate the feet first, you'd have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first, you'd have had omosexual tendencies; had you eaten the breasts first, you'd've had a latent Oedipal complex."
I said "Well, go on, what does it mean when you bite off the eyes and you scream Stop staring at me!"
You know, he says "It shows you have a tendency to self-distruction"
I say "What d'you reccomend?"
He says "Go for it!"
-> Satyricon, pag. 93-94, 123

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 151

(this one was adapted to Jugoslavia's internal religious differences, http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/244)
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
-> Satyricon pag. 131-132

(context changes)
I loaned a friend of mine 8000$ for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

A guy came over and asked if he could read my gas meter. I said, ‘Whatever happened to the classics?’
-> Adenoidi, pag. 19

The toughest time in everyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that tho, it's been a good day.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
-> Satyricon, pag. 136

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.
-> Adenoidi, pag. 105

And I go to the psychologist and he says: “Emo, what does this ink blot look like to you?” I said “Oh, it's kind of embarassing”. He says: “Emo, everyone sees something so don't be embarassed: tell me what the ink pot looks like to you”, I said: “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach serie to test compulsiveness”.
And he gets kind of depressed, I said “Ok, it's a butterfly!” And he cheers up. He says “What does this ink blot look like?”. I say “It's a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation”. He said “No, the ink blot over there, this is a photo of my wife you're looking at!”
-> Adenoidi, pag. 142

The other night my dad took me aside, said: “Emo, I want you to promise to take care of your mother after I'm gone”. I said: “Dad, don't talk like that. I don't wanna have to take care of her”.
-> Satyricon, pag. 124

(http://www.emophilips.com/video/audio/108)
Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go to this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone.
-> Satyricon, pag. 128

I almost didn't make it here. I made a mistake on driving, I'm on second avenue and have to get to 8th avenue and I thought 'What street do I take to get from second to 8th?' Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging the car right now.
-> Satyricon, pag. 72

(http://www.emophilips.com/video/audio/105)
I was in a bar few nights ago, moving from stool to stool trying an' get lucky, but there wasn't gum under any of them. And I heard giggling behind me and at first I don't mind,but the giggling continues. Finally I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, these two guys for the last half hour or so have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said "Look you, bums" 'cause I was angry now I said "As soon as this game is over, hit the row"
-> Satyricon, pag. 94 e 122

We go back to her place and she lights some candles and incense. She said “Alright, Emo, you make the next move.” So I sacrificed her poodle to Zarkon, the space god.
-> Satyricon, pag. 127

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 43

(interviewed by the ONION A.V. CLUB (http://www.avclub.com/articles/emo-philips,13681/))
EP: I've been at a hotel for a week, and I'm the only person here. It's like The Shining. The window opens only four inches to prevent suicide, which is great, unless they cancel Ally McBeal. Then they'll have to make it two inches. It's a nice hotel. They have videos you can rent. I saw Armageddon for the first time.
ONION: What did you think?
EP: If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 83

(from the same interview)
ONION: With all that, why return to stand-up now?
EP: I just realized that I loved it, subconscious be damned. I'm going full hog with this thing and having a great time. I've been at this 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. But I tell you, when I do the little comedy clubs, it makes me realize why I got into this racket in the first place: to pick up skanks. But now I can't, 'cause I'm married, so maybe I'll read more Gibbon.

I can't even program my telephone, but those guys are like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 102

(http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/180)
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 126

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 129

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour...
-> Satyricon, pag. 124

(Luttazzi says fins instead of harpoon, http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/140)
I was in Jerusalem last year. I felt so embarrassed, you know. I was standing there at the Wailing Wall, like a moron, you know, with my harpoon...
-> Satyricon, pag. 127

(Luttazzi does the same joke about Berlin)
It's great to be here in Pasadena. I've never seen so many coffe shops in my entire life and so little reason to stay awake.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l'acne, pag. 127

We almost didn't have a second date 'cause the first date I didn't open the car door for her... you know, instead I swam up to the surface. You know... women.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l'acne, pag. 129

"I wanna see your parents"
"I'll need a bigger shovel"
-> La castrazione e altri metodi per prevenire l'acne, pag. 129

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
-> Barracuda, pag. 181

Don’t wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes 14 trees just to make the protest signs?
-> Lepidezze postribolari, postfazione

I've no idea how electricity works; all I know is, it calms me.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 110

Don’t wear fur! Did you know a single fur coat takes 14 trees just to make the protest signs?
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 70

GEORGE CARLIN

(in Luttazzi's version it changes a bit in the examples part)
Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

Religion easily has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

[The entire segment with the sun and the Joe Pesci praying (instead Luttazzi uses Monica Bellucci); Luttazzi puts togheter the sun worshipping joke and the Joe Pesci one]

If there is a god, may he strike this audience dead.

You know how you can tell when a moth farts? When he suddenly flies in a straight line.

(Luttazzi's version is about Berlusconi instead of "americans")
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore..

(here Luttazzi says "mass" and not "mess". The joke works as well, maybe even better: it is up to the reader whether to consider this a translation mistake or an improvement over the original joke)
Farts are shit without the mess.

My god has a bigger dick than your god!

Here's a human interest story about man's best friend. It seems that 63 years old James [surname] was asleep last week in his down town motel room. He awekened to the sound of a dog barking. When he awoke the room was full of smoke and he could not see. The dog let him out of the room, down the hall and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. Seems it wasn't his dog.

(about the hypocrisy of the sanctity of life, the entire speech is practically the same and the following joke is identical)
Look at what we kill! Mosquito and flies because they're pests. Lions and tigers because it's fun. Chickens and pigs, 'cause we're hungry. Pheasants and quales and whales, because it's fun and we're hungry. And people, we kill people, 'cause they're pests! ... And it's fun!

The joke about capital punishment where you can bet about which hole the head (once separated from the body) will roll into starting from a hill.

(Napalm & Silly Putty, Luttazzi uses Elba instead of Kansas)
First group: Violent criminals.Here’s what you do: You take the entire state of Kansas and you move everybody out. You give the people a couple of hundred dollars apiece for their inconvenience, but you get them out. Next you put a 100-foot-high electric fence around the entire state, and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No police, no parole, no supplies; the only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition. So they can communicate in a meaningful manner.
Then you put the whole thing on cable TV. The Violence Network. VNN. [...]
But this is only for true sex offenders. We’re not going to harass consenting adults who dress up in leather Boy Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball-peen hammers as they take turns blowing their cats. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s a victimless hobby. And think of how happy the cat must be. No, we’re only going to lock up rapists and molesters; those hopeless romantics who are so full of love they can’t help gettin’ a little of it on you.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 63-4

Did you ever find youself in one of your house rooms and can't rememeber why you are in there?
Have you ever been sitting in a rail road train in a station and there's another train right next to you. And one of them starts to move and you can't tell which one it is.

(about the car sticker)
Baby on board. [...] I'm supposed to alter my driving habits because of some woman forgot to put a diaphram in.

(about the right to joke about everything, e.g.: rape. Luttazzi's joke is about Laurel & Hardy)
Rape can be funny. don't believe me? Picture Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig.

..it's either 8:15 or Mickey has a hard on!

We're taxiing in and the flight attendant is saying, "Welcome to Los Angeles International Airport." Well, how can someone who's just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she hasn't gotten to yet? Doesn't this violate some law of physics? We've been on the ground barely four seconds and she's comin' on like the fucking mayor's wife.

It's physically impossible to sneeze while pissing.
-> Sesso con Luttazzi

Did you ever notice that your own farts smell OK? [sniffs] "Say, that's fairly decent!"

(Luttazzi says "in bed" instead of "in an elevator")
If two people are in an elevator and one person farts, everyone knows who did it.

(1978)
I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. "Okay, Sherrif, we're gonna Fuck you now, but we're gonna Fuck you slow."
-> Satyricon, pag. 119

(1997, Brain Droppings, pag. 11)
If they have a salad bar, ask how many times you can go back. If they say as many times as you like, ask for a lawn bag. Come back the next day with a small truck. Tell them you weren't quite finished eating the night before. You're actually within your legal rights, because, technically, no one is ever finished eating.
-> Satyricon, pag. 146

(1997, Brain Droppings, pag. 9)
I mean, I wouldn't order something called a “meat sandwich”, would you? At least not without a couple of follow-up questions: “Does anyone know where this meat came from?” “Are any of the waitress missing?
-> Satyricon, pag. 38

How to Remove Chewing Gum from Your Bush (from The George Carlin Book Club #1: Brain Droppings, pag. 45)
[...]
When will the rethorical questions all end? (from Short Takes #2: Brain droppings, pag. 194) [...]
You are all diseased (pag. 209)
-> I libri della settimana, in Barracuda, pag. 179

(Brain droppings, pag. 91)
When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
-> Barracuda, pag. 53

(Back in Town – G. Carlin, quasi 9 minuti di routine ricuciti in 2 domande di Satyricon)
And you know, in this country, now there are alot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds. [...]Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are afraid to die. Like... the bankers who launder the drug money. The bankers, who launder, the drug money. Forget the dealers, you want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle class Republican bankers.

And I'm not talking about soft, American executions, like lethal injection. I'm talking about fucking crucifixion folks! Let's bring back crucifixions. [...]And I'd go a little further, I'd crucify people upside-down. Like Saint Peter, feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked upside-down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime on the Monday Night Football game! Halftime! Monday Night! The Monday Night Crucifixions! You'd have people tuning in, don't even care about Football! Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle? And I'll guarantee you one thing. You start execut- you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross, you're going to see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick- you won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!
What we really need is year-round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm sure as long as we're killing people Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical would be proud to participate! Proud to participate! Balance the stupid fucking budget!! [...] Not only- not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings!! Huh? Beheadings on TV, slow-motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill. And fall into one of five numbered holes. Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into. [...] You want something a little more delicate, we'll do the beheadings with an olive fork. That would be nice. And it would take a good God damn long time. There's a lot of good things we could be doing. [...] Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco! [...] Here's something really nice you could do. You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult... right into a brick wall!! Trouble is, it would be over too quick. No good for TV, you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row. Rapid-fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapults, while you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others. 'Course every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall. Cleanliness... right next to Godliness. Alright hi-tech. I sense some of yous are waiting for hi-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon... and stick it up a guy's ass! A thermo-nuclear suppository! Preparation H-Bomb! You talk about fallout, huh?
-> Satyricon, pag. 107-8

(Back In Town 1996)
Question. You ever have to fart on a bus, or an airplane, or some sort of public place... but you hadn't been farting all that day. So you didn't really know... the nature... of the beast. You only knew there was lots of it.
In a situation like that, what you have to do... is to release... a TEST FART. You have to arrange to release, quietly and in a carefully controlled manner, about ten to fifteen percent of the total fart. In order to determine if those around you can handle it! Or, or if in fact, you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency.
When releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge such as reaching for a magazine. "Say!! Is that GOLF DIGEST?!" *fart* "Well, this doesn't smell too horrifying. In fact, in an odd way, it's rather pleasant. I think they ought to enjoy the rest of this baby." *faaart*
And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a Foot Locker. [...]
-> Satyricon, pag. 155

(Brain droppings, pag. 195)
Recently, in a public bathroom, I used the handicapped stall. As i emerged, a man wheelchair asked me indignantly, “Are you handicapped?” Gathering all my aplomb, I looked him in the eye and said, “Not now. But I was before I went there.”
-> Barracuda, pag. 21-22

(Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty, 2001, pag. 140) (same joke about Enrico Mentana)
If you listen to his voice carefully without looking at the screen, Ted Koppel sounds like he's taking a shit
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 40

(Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty, 2001, pag. 261) (The person who wonders is Berlusconi after the 9/11 attack)
When a plane crashes, and a lot of people die, I always wonder what happens to their frequent flier miles
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 17

(Parental Advisory, 1990, track 4)
[Real maniacs] Like a guy who gets a big tatoo on his chest of Liza Minelli taking a shit. You know? Then he tells you that if he wriggles in a certain way it looks like she's wipin' her ass.
-> Satyricon, pag. 91

(Brain Droppings, pag. 214)
It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.
-> Satyricon, pag. 39

(Brain droppings, pag. 205)
When you look at some of Picasso's paintings, it makes you wonder what kind of women he visualized when he masturbated.
-> Barracuda, pag. 21

(Class Clown, track 4)
[about Sunday school] They really didn't have any answer. They'd fall back on Well, it's a mystery. Oh thank you, father! A mystery, of course, what's he talking about? A mystery!
-> Castrazione, pag. 73

(Brain Droppings)
During pregnancy, my mother carried me very low. Indeed, for the last six weeks, my feet were sticking out. She was the only woman in the neighborhood who had maternity shoes. But she told me I was a big help when it came to climbing stairs.
-> Barracuda, pag. 22

(Playing with your head, track 4)
here's another way to spice up the game: leave the injuried on the field.
-> Barracuda, pag. 31

(Napalm&Silly Putty)
Ask your dry cleaner if he can remove the stains from one pair of pants and put them in another
-> Castrazione, pag. 131

I’d like to improve auto racing. This is a sport that’s very big in the South; a perfect marriage of fast cars and slow minds. I think if they want to liven up these races, what they ought to do is have one guy driving in the wrong direction. Simple thing: one guy, moving against the traffic. [...] You could also stick three children with rickets in the backseat.
-> Cosmico, pag. 76

(from Brain Droppings)
If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they're still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's OK.
-> Giardini, 76

BILL HICKS (died in 1994: cancer)

Not all drugs are good. Some … are great.

I actually did that act one night in the south. Then, after the show, these three rednecks came up to me. "Hey, buddy! We're Christians and we didn't like what you said." I said, "Then forgive me."

And by the way, that 3 month old kid in your belly is not a fucking human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregated cells. You're not a human … till you're in my phone book.

I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry if you are offended, I'm actually sorry – just the fact that you're Catholic. Gotta be one of the most ludicrous fucking beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your fucking existence.

Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?
"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut. The plot thickens. You remember Jim Fixx? This human cipher used to write books on jogging. Now, what do you fuckin’ write about jogging? ‘Right foot, left foot, faster, faster, oh hell, I dunno, go home, shower.’ Pretty much covers the jogging experience, I do believe. Then this doofus goes out and has a heart attack and dies.... while jogging. There is a God. ‘Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

"Today a young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped off a building, what a tragedy." What a dick! If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground?

This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: "What, what?" Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special … ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! […] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "Unngh … what's for fucking breakfast?!"

[The joke with Keith Richards' brain, which, when on drugs, makes the sound of "Satisfaction".] That's him on drugs? Give him some more! Let's see what else he pumps out!

All this travelling, all this moving from town to town, living out of a suitcase. It's a hard life for anyone to comprehend. It's really going to take one very special woman. Or a lot of average women.

(from Bill's very last stand up act)
I was in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting to know: they celebrate Easter in the exact same way we do. Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." "How do you know that?" "Uh, well … we looked at the receipts."

The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

(changes a bit in the ending: the president asks "when do I have to bomb Iraq?")
I have this feeling man, 'cause you know, it's just a handful of people who run everything, you know … that's true, it's provable. It's not … I'm not a fucking conspiracy nut, it's provable. A handful, a very small elite, run and own these corporations, which include the mainstream media. I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, like Clinton was, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail – blah, blah, blah – when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you're in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down … and a big guy with a cigar goes, "Roll the film." And it's a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you've never seen before … that looks suspiciously like it's from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, "Any questions?" "Er, just what my agenda is." "First we bomb Baghdad." "You got it …"

I finally got my own TV Show coming out as a replacement show this fall!It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus.

Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory. Think about it, you get in traffic behind somebody. (Makes loud horn noises) “Shut up and smoke that! It’s the law!” (Puff puff) “Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously."

(in Luttazzi's version the joke is about Piazza Fontana and Valpreda)
[the Assassination Museum, about Kennedy's death] it's really accurate, you know, cos Olswald's not in it.
-> Satyricon, pag. 68

You cannot top this shit... unless... they start using terminally ill people as stuntmen in pictures. [...] You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put'em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a bird in some hospital room? [...] Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? [...] “Wow, he kicked her head right off her body. Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy?”
-> Barracuda, pag. 54

(Luttazzi combines these two very close jokes, he just removed the part between { } and replaces it with "there's")
It's not an Adult Feature unless { at the end someone's gooey! }
Women licking up semen like kittens under a cow udder!
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 77

Two of Bill Hicks' routines: Basic Instinct: [...] piece of shit. [...] and then I come to find after that film, that all the lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all... all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film, bcause the test audience was turned off by them. [...] If i had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that fil would have been Michael Douglas demanding his part to be put back in, all right? "I swear I was in that movie, I swear I was!" "Gee, Mike, the movie started, Sharon Stone was eating another woman for an hour and a half. Then the credits rolled. [...]" What I'm saying is it'd be a different film if I was the test audience, that's all I'm trying to get at there. Don't try an' talk for me please.
[The followings are part of another routine during another show, still talking about S. Stone etc.] Yeah, you get to see her pussy for one-eighth of a second. I timed it. Don't blink, you might miss the plot. [...] you know there's movies you can rent? Nothing but pussy - did y'all know that? Swear to God, one-eighth of a second of plot, the rest of the film: pussy.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 121

ROBERT SCHIMMEL

The following jokes are taken mostly from "Robert Schimmel Unprotected". A 50 minutes show which Luttazzi plagiarized almost entirely. Some others are from "Guilty as charged".

[at the checkout in a hotel]
A: "...How did you like cock-mongers?"
B: "There must've been a mistake I didn't rent that..."
A: "Oh yeah? Wanna see the video of you jerking off to that movie?"

[the official burial for gold fishes: flushing them down the toilet]
"You can't do that with a dog or a cat.. What if it got stuck and then the plumber came over:
"Yeah, I think I found the problem... You've got a german sheppard in your toilet. .. Can I use your phone for a minute?"

[exactly the same kind of joke but modified, I inserted (exceptionally) this one because what matters for this joke is only the technique, the context doesn't count]
Wife: "Bring him to the vet!"
Schimmel: "Yeah, like I'm going to bring a 5 dollard rabbit to the vet.... .... So, we're at the vet and..."

Wife: "maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation"
Schimmel: "does it look like I'm suffering? [...] Men don't suffer from premature ejaculation, women do. There is no such thing. When it's time, it's time."
"Baby, I'm gonna cum"
"Wait..."
"No, you hurry up!"

[The joke where you stop a guy from ejaculating by squeezing his cock]
"and he won't have an orgasm... ever again!"
"Squeezing someone's dick when he's gonna cum?? That's like duck tape on somebody's mouth when he's gonna puke! That shit doesn't work!"
"It's gonna find some place else to come out..."
Men: "I'm gonna cum!"
Women: "No, you're not!"
(Squeeze dick)
Women: "Ehy, your nose is running.."

[the woman not wanting to have sex because she feels unattractive]
"I don't feel attractive.."
"well, believe it or not, my dick has a very poor vision, actually, he's legally blind"
[...]
"What guy would think like that? If the woman says "ehy what about a blowjob tonight?" and he: "nah, I'm too fat to blow...""
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 45

"I sat down with my daughter and said: do you know how babies get made?
Daughter: "The lady has an egg inside of her and the man has sperm inside of him and the sperm meets the egg and this is how the lady gets pregnant.."
Schimmel: "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?"
Daughter: "Does the man pee on the woman?"
Schimmel: "Sometimes, but that's 35 dollars extra..."

[the one about sexual fantasies: Schimmel vs Wife]
"I'd like to fuck your sister.."
"How could I have known that her fantasy was for me to sleep in the car in the driveway that night?"

"I saw a fake vagina that plugs directly into the wall, there's no body connected or anything and I was thinking: "yeah, I'm gonna stick my dick that squirts a liquid into something that's plugged directly into the wall socket"... So, I'm on the floor fucking this thing... and the lights dimm and I almost shit in my pants."
[and the part about the paramedics founding him if he died]

[the one with the vibrator where the woman sticks it in the man's butt first]
Wife: "Here!!! Is this what you wanted to do to me???" (poking the vibrator in Schimmel's butt)
Schimmel: "Take it out of the box first!!"

"I took a shit once and it was black and I know that black means something wrong and I started to panic and I called my dad.
"Dad you're not gonna believe this, I just took a shit and it's black!"
Dad: "Bob, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm on a business meeting and you're on a speaker phone"
-> Benvenuti in Italia (2002), pag. 34

I love my dog but I'm not rubbing cream on his asshole.
- Yeah, d'you like this? does this feel good?
- Yeah... what's next?
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 37

My mom uses herbal bathroom freshener. All it does is making it smell like someone shitted in the woods.

(Luttazzi's joke is about Fabio Fazio and a horse, but it's the same joke)
For 50 million dollars I'd suck Tyson's dick on tv in front of my parents. I would, right on tv, I don't give a shit. [...] How bad can a dick taste for 50 million dollars? You can spend a million on mouthwash and have a really nice life.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 54

(about water landing with the airplane)
[..] shark eats you, eats the cushion as little fiber and has an A shit the next day

I was with my kids to LA, in one of these nature marine park places who have these billboards all over: "Come see fish in their natural habitat"! And then you get there and they have clowns riding on the back of dolphins and whales jumping through fire hoops. Like this is what you see when you go to the beach!
But she wants to get something to eat, my daughter, and I take her to the snack bar and they serve Filet-O-Fish! What the fuck, what are these, the acts that screw up? [...] "You see your friend Louie on the grill over there? [...] I don't care if you're a fish, get on the bike!

My brother scuba-dives, he goes: “Oh, you know what you do if the shark's bothering you?” Bothering? You need to look in the dictionary, pal! It really bothers when he shears my leg off to the hip. I find it very bothersome to get back to shore with my torso snapped in half. He said: “What you do is to let the shark get up to you and then punch him in the face!” Yeah, now when that doesn't work you poke him in the eye with your stump. Punch a shark! What if he wasn't even gonna attack you? What if he's just curious, he's swimming by and you: Pow pow pow! “Ehi! What the fuck?! What d'you do that for?” “I thought you were gonna attack me!” “I'm going to now. I was gonna let you go, bu the other sharks are watching, it doesn't look good now!”
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 45-46

So my wife wants to get in shape and she signed me up to the gym with her and everybody look so good at this place. You gotta work out some place else before you can go to this place!
[...]
So he goes: “Listen, first you gotta do a little fitness-test, to see where you're at” I say: “I can save you some time right now! 'cause I got a little wheezing filling out the application."
-> Barracuda (ed. Bestsellers Oscar Mondadori, 2000), pag. 22-23

[to a decapitated head) - Hey, ar'you ok?
- I can't feel my legs!
- Don't look down.
Oh, what if your brain lived for a minute after your head came off? [...] - Shit, look at that! Hey, that's my shirt. Fuck, my head's off. This is bad!
-> Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), p. 145

[to his daughter] Here, let daddy show you how to do it. [blowjob]
Breathe with your nose, that's the secret.
Oh, that's pretty fucked up...
The day she blows some guy and he goes: - Hey, great blowjob!
Yeah, my dad showed me how to do it!
-> Benvenuti in Italia (2002), pag. 44
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 42

I was walking over tonight I saw some young couple in the horse-and-carriage riding by. It looks real romantic. It's like 25 bucks, you smell on horse farts for half an hour.
-> Satyricon, pag. 70

[he ate halopinio peppers] The next morning I thought I was shitting battery acid. It burns so bad I came this close to stick a Popsicle up my ass.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 41

Having sex after a heart-attack (the pills are in my pussy, come and get'em)
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 80

(Schimmel Comes Clean – track 05: Time-Life book)
A guy jumped out of an airplane, chute didn't open, fell 300 feet and lived to tell the story, Well, I wanna heard that story!
- Gnggnngngngngmmmm eeeeeeeeee...
- I've heard about that
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 126

(Unprotected, minute 50:30 ca.)
She [my daughter] goes: “Daddy, can I talk to you for a minute? [...] Daddy, I don't like it in the butt”
“Yeah, you and your mum both”
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 42

JERRY SEINFELD

(SeinLanguage pag. 144, 1993)
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

(about the expiration day of milk)
How do they know that that is the exact day? They don't say it's in the vicinity, roughly etc. They brand it right into the side of the carton. Ever had milk after THE day? Scares the hell out of you, right? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bottle... [...] I don't know how they are so definite, though. Maybe the cow tipped them off.

I like hotels. I enjoy tiny soap. I pretend that it's normal soap and my muscles are huge.

(Luttazzi's version is a bit different: it is about perfumed underwear)
I have the underarm deodorant with the cologne smell. Why do you want the smell there? I think once a woman's got her nose in your armpit, the seduction's pretty much over.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-> Tabloid

MORT SAHL

(Luttazzi's joke is between Berlusconi and Rutelli)
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

DAN SAVAGE

(quoted from Wikipedia)
Santorum is a sexual neologism proposed by American humorist and sex-advice columnist Dan Savage in 2003 to "memorialize" then US Republican Senator Rick Santorum from Pennsylvania due to the controversy over his statements on homosexuality. Savage asked his readers to submit new definitions for the term; the winning definition was "that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."
(The so called "giulianone"!
Luttazzi renamed "Santorum" to "giulianone". Giuliano Ferrara is a pro-life, pro-war, pro-Berlusconi, pro-torture etc. italian journalist.)

(Skipping Towards Gomorrah, 2002)
My proof that homosexuality is not a choice? A question for my straight male readers: Is there anything I could do or say or write that would convince you to willingly, happily, eagerly, anxiously, deliriously, lustfully put my dick in your mouth and leave it there until I had an orgasm? I rest my case.

EDDIE IZZARD

(it's Aunt Sofocle in italian instead of Ted)
So in the christian faith god created Adam in its own image. But 60 million years before that, god created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted.

[the whole joke (which lasts about 10 minutes) with jesus who enters the dinosaurs pub, every dinosaur stops what he's doing and turns to jesus]
Jesus: I'm Jesus, the son of god... In one religion. I've come to read you the stuff for my father's folk, which I hope we're going to publish soon... It's called the holy "bible" [...]
Jesus: blessed all the meek, for they will inherit the world...
Dinosaur: Roaaar
Jesus: ok, I'll cross that one out... 'cause they won't mind.. What about "blessed all the huge scary monsters for they should doubtlessy inheirt the world, unless something awful happens with the temperature..."
[the dinosaur beheads Jesus, Jesus goes back to his dad with his head under his arm]
Jesus: what a bunch of bastards!!
[god kills the dinosaurs by raising the temperature, god creates the humans and Jesus goes back to earth, he comes back 33 years later]
Jesus: you bastard! They treated me worse than the fuckin' dinosaurs! God damn it, they nailed me [..] for three days!
God: sorr.. I didn't kno..
Jesus: you knew all the time! Opposable thumbs.. you knew they got hammers! God: what happened?
[Jesus tells what he did, the hanging out with fishermen etc. Always talking about the size of their fishes]
Jesus: then the rich came who wanted to get into the kingdom of heaven. I said well it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for the rich to get into heaven.
God: That was pretty surreal of you.
Jesus: Well, I'd been smoking a bit that day... But the rich, they got huge blenders and they put camels into them, and they sprayed them, through very fine jets, through the eyes of needles. So they're all coming up now.
(I'm sorry if I didn't transcribe everything, but it was simply too long)

[the joke with lassie communicating impossible things through barks]
Lassie: bark bark
Guy: A boy? Lost in the desert?

And Steve McQueen is just there in jeans and a T-shirt, disguised as an American man! He romps out, jumps in a motorbike, knocks a guy off, and within 15 minutes, he's in the borders of Switzerland. This is from Poland! And if you don't know the geography, it goes Poland, Czechoslovakia, Holland, Venezuela, Africa, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and then Switzerland.

[...] because my gran said put a thimble on your finger in case you slip with the needle and the needle goes up into the brain and.. death.

(when only few applaud)
Thank you, two people.

Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah.
( mumbling and coughing )
"Your hymen’s been removed?"
"No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )
"You need it removed? Right…"
I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,
"A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!"
"Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for fuck's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian."
"Well, what is it, Günther?"
"I have invented a maneuver!"
"What are you, a bloody tank commander now?"
"No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!"
I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized.
( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..."
( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath."
“I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot)
“I still cannot breath."
"Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot )
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
"Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow!
( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him )
"Must be a combination. No, ok… "
"Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop…
"Frying pan…"
( Hans collapses to thefloor )
"Oh, he's dead."
Other doctors are going,
"How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture."

So, stand-up comedy – vocation. You can't just fall into it. There's others, like taxidermist. You can't go, "I was working in a chip shop, then I started stuffing animals with sand."
You've got to want it. "I wanna be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I want to get more sand into an animal than anyone's ever bloody got in an animal. I want to fill a rat with the entire Gobi desert so it's really quite tight."
They should put more things in, sand gets boring.
"Porridge. I'm doing this one with porridge."
B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun.
"Your dog's finished, I filled him with porridge. Thbpth!"
"It's a bit floppy."
"Yeah, that's porridge for you. You've got a two-level effect."
"That's got a nine-level effect."
"I've done your cat - he's with helium."
"It's a bit high up."
"That's helium for you. There's no height restriction. Do you want it here?" Woosh. Pah.
"In fact, grab hold, I've got two controls."
"What? Oh, right, I see. Er."
There's a cat going whoo, whoo. With that fixed expression.

So Noah started to saw up pieces of wood to make the ark.
(Sawing noise)
[...]
And after a while Noah realised he was actually punching a baboon.
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
"Stop hitting me."
Ooh-ooh-ooh!

And so Henry the 8th - who was Sean Connery, for this film: "Well, then I will set up a new religion in this country! I will set up the... Psychotic Bastards Religion!"
And an advisor said: "Why not call it Church of England, Sir?"
"Church of England! That's much better."
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 37

They went to the Moon - Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin... And Neil stepped on the Moon and said, "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind." Good line but not his line, I don't think… it didn't feel like his line, you know? I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, "Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong, Neil. Don't fuck it up. Here we go. I'M A SMALL MAN WITH A GIANT BIG - shit!... ONE MAN, SMALL GIANT... What was it?"
'Cause you gotta say something! (...) You can't land on the Moon and go: "Fucking hell, I've been in that spacecraft... (stretching noises) Right, I need a piss."
He had a sense of humor, so he should have used it. 'Cause there was that lunar module there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. So he could've been there saying, "Hi, people on the Moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there's the mountains in the distance, there's the Earth! There, you're looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see A FUCKING MONSTER! THERE'S A MONSTER BEHIND ME! Oh no, help! Get off my leg!" Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit, Neil doing a close-up: "He's got me, Houston! The monster's got me! He wants cash! He's got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jiu-jitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million... TWO million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don't know, the North Shore! What the fucking hell...?" Oh, it would have worked, wouldn't it?
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 61

Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can't even deal with that! You know, we think if somebody kills someone, that's murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick - that's what they do. 20 people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can't deal with it, you know? Someone's killed 100,000 people, we're almost going: "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning. I can't even get down the gym! Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, LUNCH, death, death, death, AFTERNOON TEA, death, death, death, QUICK SHOWER...'
-> Satyricon, pag. 46

I've never actually, in my life, ever seen anyone actually slip on a banana skin in reality (E. Izzard, Definite article)
-> Decameron in tv
-> La Guerra Civile Fredda, pag. 225

(Dressed to Kill – recorded 1998)
We all know one of the main elements of attack the element of surprise. So what could be more surprising than the First Battalion Transvestite Brigade? [...] “Fuck, look at these guys... They've got guns, they've got guns! Jesus, take my gun!” Okay... I was so surprised, were you surprised, I was surprised!
-> Barracuda, pag. 48

But Mars…… It came to visit us. Mars the red planet. It came so close to the earth and if stood out on top of your house with an extended car aerial, and you had a frog on the end of it who had a long tongue who had a stick insect on the end of that and the stick insect was holding one of those tape measures you had, when you would click it off, and you used as a sword, when you were a kid and it kept going poomf, and you and it would go poomf. And you could make it a certain size, and poomf, and if you had all that and you waggled it around, You could almost touch mars, If you were mad!
-> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 31

And then, of course, Leonardo da Vinci, who did the Mona Lisa with the enigmatic smile, which is glum in fact, isn't it? That's glum! Enigmatic's just a big word that's all glum. She's glum, she's… And they X-rayed the painting and there's different earlier versions underneath it. The first version of the Mona Lisa was much more (mimes very big smile). Happy Lisa! The second one was (mimes sexy look) Sexy Lisa! And the last one was Moaner Lisa, "You fucking finished? Have you fucking finished? Fucking - I've been here 15 fucking years…"
But he did other paintings, like he did that guy in the bowler hat with an apple in the face, that's his. And the one of lilies which is all blurry, that blurry lily one. And he did a couple of Pissaros, one or two Lautreqs.
And he also made weapons of war, and pictures of anatomy. And he invented a helicopter that did not work. And so did I! Yeah, did not work! I accept your applause for my crap invention. For it had a lawnmower engine, it was made out of wood and string, and it went under water. My helicopter went under water… on paper. But then the paper would get wet and, you know, a helicopter that just exists on paper - it needs to fly in the air. And I'm trying to make this work as a joke… and it won't.
-> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 32

When British people go there (in Holland), they just go mad, and go, “Fucking ‘ell!” (mimes shooting up, smoking and going generally bonkers)
“How long have you been here, man?”
“A minute!”
-> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 40

Babies taste of chicken! Cannibals say that human flesh tastes of chicken, so babies must taste of chicken. And chicken tastes of humans.
-> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 70

In Holland, they speak four languages, and a lot of them are “quatrilingual” – they speak Dutch, German, French and English. And they smoke dope as well! How do they have time?
-> I Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 75

(Circle – Jesus in Religions Pt.1)
Yeah, and Johnny Paul was looking for a coming-together, I believe, a sort of, uhh...syn...synergy between the five, the major five religions, being: [counts them off on one hand] Christianity, Judiaism, Islam, RCA, Sony. [pauses] Buddhism and Hinduism.
-> Decameron tv: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNGZeQLRY_0

(Circle)
It was the Renaissance. The Re-Naissance. French for "rebirth". And that's why everything happened slap-bang in F - Italy. But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain... Jacques Chirac. A certain... pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda (2005), pag. 43

(Circle)
Then he did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition - he said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat. "Tell me, Don Miguel, tell me of El Diablo." "El Diablo is an exciting character. He is one with the ladies. Why do you wish to know?". "No reason, just a casual chat." But it wasn't. It was, (mimes operating a rack)
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 147

(Circle)
And it's… you know, because the Pope has got stuck in that sort of 'I'm wearing a tent' type thing. And he goes round in a Popemobile, and the only other person who does that is Batman, who goes round in a Batmobile. Cause he's Popeman! (sings) "Popeman! Popeman! With Altar-boy!" "Quick Altar-boy, there are some sinners who need chastisin'. Leap into the Popemo…" (dramatic music impression) "Put those candles out!" (mimes using strange weapon to do this) Pssthou, Pssthou, Pssthou! "With holy water and Jesus disks!" (mimes throwing samurai stars). "Vampires! Look out, Popeman, vampires coming!" (4 more Jesus disks) "You sure shot them out of the sky!" Could be a whole series… with a lot of complaints.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 148

STEVEN WRIGHT

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

(adapted to Berlusconi, instead of lawyer he says Berlusconi creates a law)
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(in Luttazzi's version the son of Berlusconi is asking this to the father)
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

(Berlusconi to his son)
My uncle once told me when I was five, 'When I was your age, I was six.

(the location changes)
The other day I got on an elevator and this old guy got in with me. I was over near the button, I pushed number four and I said: “Where you going?”. He said: “Phoenix”. So I pushed 'Phoenix'.

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. The last week in August we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain. And the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper.

I was walking through the desert and a UFO landed, these little 1 inch tall guys got out and came over next to me. I said: "Are you really that small?" They said: "No, we're just really very far away".

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(after repeating a joke)
Just checking.

Last summer I drove cross-country with a friend of mine, we split the driving, we switched every half a mile. The all way across we only had one cassette tape to listen to. I can’t remember what it was.
-> Capolavori, pag. 125-6

I said: “D’you live around here often?” She said “You’re wearing two different color socks” I said “Yes, but to me it is the same ‘cause I go by thickness”.
-> Capolavori, pag. 16

Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
-> Capolavori, pag. 89

Wondering how my life would’ve been different had I been born one day earlier. Then I’m thinking Maybe’t wouldn’t have been different other than I would ask that question yesterday
-> Capolavori, pag. 109

Jesus pissed off a lot of people, y’know, “Stop changing the water into wine, I’m trying to take a shower!”
-> Capolavori, pag. 153

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity.
-> Satyricon, pag. 98

I like to leave messages before the beep.
-> Barracuda, pag. 57

I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
-> Barracuda, pag. 19

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 28

Every night I go home and I stare at my rug and try to move it using
telekenesis. I've been doing that every night for eight years; the rug hasn't
moved an inch. The rest of the house is gone.
-> Satyricon, pag. 155

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
-> Barracuda, pag. 18

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
-> Barracuda, pag. 19

It's kind of an insane case ... 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I think they're not guilty.
-> Barracuda, pag. 18

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
-> Capolavori, pag. 99

(I have a pony)
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
-> Satyricon, pag. 72

(about Emilio Fede)
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose
-> Capolavori, pag. 93

You know that feeling when you're just falling asleep and you feel like you're falling and you wake up? I feel like that all the time.
-> Capolavori, pag. 107

Whenever I pick up hitchikers, I like to wait a few minutes before I say anything to them. Then I say: "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 80

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 57

(about Berlusconi, but the same in Satyricon)
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-> Satyricon, pag. 72

(I have a pony)
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 80

(first found in Just For Laughs, 1987)
I took my dog for a walk, all the way from New York to Florida. I said to him "There, now you're done."
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 108

CHRIS ROCK

Everytime a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick.

It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, cause you know they're fuckin'. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally, you might even see some clear heels! [referring to strippers]

(The one about Nelson Mandela getting divorced)
Marriage is so though Nelson Mandela got a divorce. After 27 years of prison etc...

You know what a platonic friend is to a woman? It's like a dick in glass case: in case of emergency break open glass.

One thing I learnt about women. Guys: never ask a woman how many men she slept with. 'Cause you don't wanna know. Just be happy you're fucking her now. [..] Why you wanna know? First off, no matter what she says, it's too much for you. She can go "two" and you'll be like: "two?? TWO?? I guess it's how you was raised".
Women will lie. [...] If she says "three", that's "ten". You know, you have to give every woman a seven dick curve. That's more like 3 dicks at the 8th power.

(changes slightly in the end)
When you were single, nobody was thinking about your ugly ass. [but once you're in a relationship] everybody wants to fuck you. When you were single, nobody was calling your ass up? Now, you're phone ringing up the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls going: "hey, what you're doing? You know me and my girlfriend have a dick sucking contest and we think you would be a good judge."

You can't cheat, you know why? 'Cause you're gonna get caught. You're gonna get caught. I don't care who you are, you are 007, you are gonna get caught.

(changes slightly in the end)
You know what the crazy shit is? You cheated on your woman. She should trust you no more, but she does, eventually she does. But you know what happens now? Now you don't trust her. You know what happened? You fucked around your woman. You know what happens when you fuck around your woman? You just gave her get some dick free card. And you'll never know when she's gonna cash it in.

Some people are addicted to popping the bubbles in bubble wrap. I know. I had a bad case of it for a while. I would costantly open other people 's packages and pinch the protective plastic. [...] Then one day my habit almost got me killed. I intentionally crashed my car into a tree so I could pop the airbag.

Do you realize that in 1997 some women still don't give head? Ninety-fucking-seven. When I was single and I met a woman who didn't give head, I'd look at her like she was a Betamax. “They still make you?”
When it comes to head, there's three types of women. […] The woman C is my favourite. “Where's that dick? It's got the antidote and I'm gonna get it.”

Dealers don't force drug on people. They don't have to. A drug dealer is not like a door-to-door encyclopedia or vacuum cleaner saleperson. You won't hear a pusher saying: “Man, oh man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack? It's just piled up in my house […].” Dealers offer drugs. I'm 31 years old and nobody's ever forced anything on me. If a dealer says: “Hey, man, you want some smack?” And I say: “No.” That's it.

The government hates rap. You know why I say that? 'Cause they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers. They don't got no clues, no suspects, they don't have shit when there's a dead rapper. [...] If you wanna get away with murder, shoot him in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! [...] "This is a rap killing! Let's go home!"

If Billy Joel, Elton John and David Bowie got shot, they'd have Bruce Springsteen's house surrounded. The government hates rap. And only the good rappers are dead: Biggie Smalls, Tupac [...] You wanna tell me they can find Saddam Houssein in a fuckin' hole, but you can't tell me who shot tupac [...] in Vegas?

Men are full of shit. We have women we'll fuck but we won't take out! That's mean, right? Women are just as mean. You've got men you let take you out... but you won't fuck.

(Never Scared, 2004: about G.W. Bush and the Iraq War)
Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda 2005, pag. 20

(Never Scared)
It's like the guy came in the studio, shot Jay, recorded an album, then left.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 55

(on J. Leno's Show, Feb '01)
Is there any way to look more guilty than hiring Johnnie Cochran[represented O.J. and many others]?
-> Capolavori, 115

SCHECKY GREEN

(about Francesco Storace a fascist italian politician)
I'm working with Frank Sinatra... Frank Sinatra, who saved my life! In 1967 in front of the Fontainebleau Hotel, Miami Beach, Florida, five guys were beating me up and I hear Frank say, "that's enough."

LINDA SMITH

If God wanted us to believe in him, he’d exist.

LEWIS BLACK

We have to pay taxes whether we like it or not. You see, we live in a community and together we have to pay for things like roads, bridges and schools [... and airport security (Black)]. And we have to pay people to do these jobs for us, otherwise we're gonna have to do them ourselves. I don't want to be woke up in the middle of the night, hearing some voice saying: "ehy Lewis, come out here! The George Washington Bridge is down! ... And bring a shovel!".

(About the school system.)
Then they open the doors and they let them [the kids] run and run and whoever hits the most trees gets an A.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually... start to gag. Know how come I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?

(the names in Italian are: De Gasperi to Berlusconi. From Togliatti to Rutelli)
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.
-> Satyricon, 2001, pag. 24

You ever read the ingredients in sunblock? I've never seen those words anywhere. You don't even know what you're putting on your face, do you? You go, "Oh no, the sun's out!" It could be zebra cum; you don't know. You may not like that joke, but you don't know.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 56

(International Travel - Rules of Engagement
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3624099322620753867# 3 minutes reproduced almost entirely)
I mean, I fly a lot, and 6 hours on a plane is like... a lot, but 19 is... wrong. […] You wanna know what is like? You can experience going to New Zeland. Very similar. Sit in a chair for 19 hours and take your hands and pressure head as hard as you can. And don't stop. Don't stop! 19 hours […] you pull your hands off and... you fill like in New Zeland.
[…] and it seems to me if you’re going to travel for 19 hours to another country, when you get there, they should have the common courtesy to speak another language.
[…] everybody says New Zeland is beautiful and nobody really knows because after 19 hours on a plane... everything is fucking beautiful. It could have been an ice floe out there with two penguins blowing each other and I would be happy to land and perform for them.
[…] and if they really wanted to be part of the community, they should. jump off their island and push it closer. They should show a little interest.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 39-40

(Rules of Engagement, 2003, Luttazzi replaces Martha Stuart with Pamela Anderson)
He took 60,000 $ of his money and he used it to buy an umbrellastand. He bought a 60,000 dollars umbrella stand. [...] Many of us have an umbrella stand and we call it a bathtub. It gotta be made out of something very special. I think it's gotta be made out of Martha Stuart's vagina.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 22

(on the Daily Show, 19.01.2001, replace Bush with Berlusconi)
Astronomers have discovered two giant new solar systems, and with George W. Bush taking over the Presidency, it's good to know we have options.
-> Capolavori, pag. 155

(Feb '01 on The Daily Show)
A doctor finds that a microchip attached to a woman's spine not only relieves back pain but gives her an orgasm. This is great news. I no longer have to produce orgasms. I just have to give her back pain, [and I can do that every time].
-> La castrazione, pag. 46

DAVE ATTELL

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

The vagina is the strongest muscle in the human body. A strong man cam lift things like a couch, but the vagina will make you buy the couch.

I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
-> Decameron 2007, 5a

(Skanks for te Memories, track 03)
And then you go home a little early. Then you get that call the next day – you know that call You should have hang out maaaan!
-What happened?
-OOOh! 10 minutes after you left – It's always 10 minutes after you leave, whenever the funshow is on – like the funmobile has a block behind you the whole time, full of strippers and midgets and baloons and... every tipe of fun imaginable. 10 minutes after you left the Dixie chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the bubbling tshirt got a handjob - and it's never gonna happen again.
After I heard that I started to cry. Mostly 'cause I sat on my balls. Have you ever done that?
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 134

You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outa there.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 83

Some things are the same wherever you go. Like, if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
-> Satyricon, absent minded waiter sketch (look under Steve Martin)

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 47

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is:
"Oh, look at it! Like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a porche.
-> Satyricon a teatro, 1h40m50s
[..]
You want some excitement, you want some other language if possible: “Santa Maria! Ohy Poppy! Oh no, oh no, go and let me out, I'll talk” That's good
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 36

(Skanks for te Memories)
I offered a girl a tic tac once and she said, Oh do you think I need one, is it my breath? No! I was just trying to be nice. If I was giong to give you something you need it would be mustache wax and a t shirt that said one cock at a time!
-> Bollito mist con mostarda, pag. 95
-> Decameron, puntata 5, timing 41:50

(Skanks for the memories)
Women have all the power, you know why? 'cause women have all the vaginas.
-> Decameron, puntata 5, timing 6:30

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 149

girls masturbate too.....but they have a different word for it...they call it a long hot bath.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 149

(Skanks for the memories)
Some things are universal wherever you go. Like, if it feels like more than two fingers it's probably a dick.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 85

(Skanks for the memories)
So, the Eskimos-- or, as I call them, 'Snow Mexicans'
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 91

(about Bruxelles)
I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outa there.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 83

(about Angelino Alfano, Captain Miserable)
Ever whisper sweet nothings to your girl to cover a fart?
-> Decameron (DVD)

(about Mara Carfagna, Captain Miserable)
I don't know if you saw the picture of Lindsay Lohan passed out with her mouth open, daring us to photoshop our own penises in there.
-> Decameron (DVD)

(Skanks for te Memories)
"What do you think is the most abused drug?
Aspirin. you know why? cuz it works. It does everything-headaches, arthritis...
I think on the bottle of aspirin they just put what Aspirin won't do.
'Aspirin will not bring a hooker back to life. So stop takin it.'
Roll her up in the carpet!”
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 286-7

Everyone masturbates. Everyone, by that I mean humans. Not many animals do. For example the turtle. He does not masturbate. But he is thinking about it. Slowly.

(about Berlusconi, not the earthquake)
I was in hawaii during the earthquake. They had an earthquake there, which is freaky, 'cause you don't expect something like that to happen in hawaii. There's a volcano there, okay? Everybody there thinks the volcano's--the lava is going to fucking kill them, all that kind of stuff. But then for an earthquake to hit with a volcano right there, that's like having a gun to the back of your head at all times and a guy just runs up and kicks you in the balls.

(http://comedians.jokes.com/dave-attell/videos/dave-attell---michael-bolton/ - uploaded on 08.24.1997)
I listened to a Michael Bolton's tape, I had my period.
-> Capolavori, pag. 113

BILL MAHER

(the joke about the hippie girl, Luttazzi tells the joke with him in bed with Naomi Campbell; Naomi isn't hippie but New Age, slight change)
[..] But she was such a hippie and we're in bed and she was.. touching herself all over and I'm form New Jersey.. I didn't know. I said "What gives?". And her answer was so hippie: "Well, when we make love, there's no me and no you; our bodies are like one continuos being.". I said: "Ok, but what about paying some attention to our dick?".

I was brought up Catholic… with a Jewish mind. When we’d go to confession, I’d bring a lawyer in with me. “Bless me Father, for I have sinned… I think you know Mr. Cohen?

The real axis of evil is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

How stupid are those companies? Their money gets to live in the Caribbean, and they stay in Newark.

Immigrants do jobs Americans don’t want to do. Like parking cars, wiping your grandmother and impregnating Madonna.

I was raised catholic, but I was never molested. And I'm a little insulted.

I always hear women say, "Y'know, married men live longer." Uh, yes, and an indoor cat...also...lives longer. It's a fur-ball with a broken spirit that can only look out on a world it will never enjoy, but it does, technically, live longer.

There are not necessary two sides to every issue. If that were Repubblicans would have an opposition party
-> Decameron in TV (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSdhWTnAILQ)

(Bill Maher July 22, 2004 http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0407/22/lkl.00.html)
Ladies and gentlemen, on September 11, 2001, America was attacked by a squad of Saudi Arabians working out of Germany, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. And by that I mean we were attacked by Iraq.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 65

Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse."
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 102

Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse."
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 102-3

(Victory begins at home, Luttazzi's version uses Dr. Octupus and the Goblin)
I'm glad hussein is gone, but the Joker is not the Riddler.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda

JEFFREY ROSS

One time it was cool you fixed me up with a chick and that was exciting. She calls me up, she tells me she's an actress in pornos. So I'm: "alright and when are you around?". She says: "Well, I'm working tuesday and wednesday, how about thursday?". I'm like: "how about monday?".

MITCH HEDBERG (DIED IN 2005)

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 151

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 55

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a fuck. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 51

Bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought: "Man, here comes that frog... I'd better play dead."
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag 80.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, Las Vegas

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up."
-> Lepidezze postribolari 2007, pag. 97

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 95

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess.”
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 93

(Mitch Hedberg's CC Special)
I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else buy Visine? I buy Visine I don't wanna people to know that I have been swimming.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda

CHEVY CHASE

The Post Office commemorates prostitution: the stamp costs ten cents, but if you want to lick it, it'll cost a quarter.

JACK HANDEY

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it 'll turn into a fossil.

(http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/media.asp?file=045)
One day, one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn’t know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 115

(SNL: googlebook Fuzzy Memories, 1996)
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, 'within reason.' When I asked her what she meant by 'within reason,' she said, 'You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.'
-> Barracuda, pag. 14
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 151
-> Monologo Barracuda

(http://snltranscripts.jt.org/95/95cfuzzy.phtml; present in the book Fuzzy Memories, 1996 – first joke)
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one when we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down, and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store. So we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine.
Later, I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn't really the best Thanksgiving.
-> Barracuda, pag. 15

(Fuzzy Memories – second joke, Luttazzi's joke continues)
When we would go for a drive in the family car, I used to love to stick my head out of the window, until one time we passed an oncoming car and my head knocked off a dog's head.
-> Barracuda, pag. 14-15

(What I’d Say to the Martians, 161-3; Broadcast Feb. 16, 1991)
HAPPY FUN BALL
(Three exuberant young people chase a hard rubber ball down a suburban sidewalk. They are having way too much fun. Boing-boing-boing sound effects. Ventures guitar music.)
YOUNG WOMAN(excited) It’s happy!
YOUNG MAN It’s fun!
ALL THREE It’s Happy Fun Ball!
(Super: Happy Fun Ball)
ANNOUNCER
Yes, It’s Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that’s sweeping the nation!
(Product shot of Happy Fun Ball. Flashing “$14.95”)
ANNOUNCER
Only fourteen ninety-five, at participating stores! Get one today!
(Super the following warnings as announced:)
ANNOUNCER (more serious) Warning:
Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under ten should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
... Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
... Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
... Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
... Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
• Itching
• Vertigo
• Dizziness
• Tingling in extremities
(Super turns to crawl:) • Loss of balance or coordination
• Slurred speech
• Temporary blindness
• Sudden hair loss
• Chattering teeth
• Heart palpitations
(Super:)
... If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
... Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
... When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
... Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
... Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes in Iraq.
... Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
... Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
(happier)
Happy Fun Ball!
(Super: Happy Fun Ball)
... Accept no substitutes!
(Fade)
Happy Fun Ball

(this one is a bit different in italian, but the punchline is the same)
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 12

(Fuzzy memories, replace "Easter eggs" with "khaki" and "dog" with "hamster")
Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she'd hide them in the backyard. But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren't allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it and then mom would come pick it up when her white gloves and put it back in its case.
Someone ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.
-> Barracuda, pag. 17

(Fuzzy memories)
I don't think I can be hypnotized. This hypnotist tried to hypnotize me one time, but he couldn't. And I tell him that each time I go over to wash his car, which is every Wednesday.
-> Barracuda

DAVID LETTERMAN

This Bin Laden guy is creepy looking. Don't you miss the old days when the only millionaire living in a cave was Batman?

(said by Letterman a lot of time ago: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpKpF5sBHbw)
If your dog is constipated why screw up a good thing?

(Oct 2000, about Di Pietro and Berlusconi)
Everybody says a vote for Nader is a vote for Bush, so who do you vote for if you want to vote for Nader?
-> Satyricon, pag. 24

(Feb 2001)
Today at that little Chinese restaurant around the corner I had the paper-wrapped chicken. The paper tuned out to be a health code violation notice.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 21

(Feb 2001)
The subways are cleaner than ever. Rats, sure, but they're all lined up for their tetanus shots.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 20

(June '01)
Mayor Giuliani has outlawed smoking in the parks. It's nice to know you don't have to worry about secondhand smoke while you're being murdered.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 14

(Oct 2000)
When I get fired I'm going to do commercials. For enough money I can pretend to like anything — just ask my ex-wife.
-> Satyricon, pag. 96

(July 2002)
There's a new sex abuse scandal with Jehovah's Witnesses. I hope this doesn't make people start avoiding Jehovah's Witnesses.
-> Castrazione, pag. 141

(on Uday and Qusay Hussein's death, July 03)
Did you see the photos of the bodies? I haven't seen a face so distorted and gruesome since Michael Jackson.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 159

DEMETRI MARTIN

I'm scared of sharks, but only in a water situation. If I saw a shark on the street, I'd be like, 'What? Fuck you!' It's like the opposite of how I feel about lions.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
-> Satyricon, pag. 89

(at least bef. 1 Oct 2005 http://forum.tgbo.net/viewtopic.php?p=26888&sid=2fa964b16f9d38e3a5b07b035a321659#26888)
Canoe+waterfall=I don’t go camping anymore
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 79 (1st ed. Nov 2005)

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.

('liked' becomes 'thought of')
What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag.31

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

(Rodney's Act)
I remember the first time I hitch hiked I got beat up. Yeah, I used
the wrong finger.
-> Bollito Misto con Mostarda, pag. 138

DENNIS MILLER

(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven)
The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

JAMIE KENNEDY

I saw one of his (Ron Jeremy) pornos with a girl I was dating once, and she said those words that every man fears: "Now THAT'S a cock!"

WOODY ALLEN

“I have this other one script.”
“If you want me to, I'll read it.”
“Could I come over and read it to you?”
“Come over and read it to me? You must be joking. I've done my own reading since I was forty.”

And suddenly my whole life passed before my eyes. I saw myself as a kid again, in Kansas, going to school, swimming at the swimming hole, and fishing, frying up a mess-o-catfish, going down to the general store, getting a piece of gingham for Emmy-Lou. And I realise it's not my life. They're gonna hang me in two minutes, the wrong life is passing before my eyes.
-> Adenoidi, pag. 14

SARAH SILVERMAN

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally.

I understand why the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I don't see why he had to call me a whore.
-> Barracuda Live (2000), 12m02s

MONTY PYTHON

(from the advertising campaign for the 'Holy Grail')
Makes Ben Hur look like an epic!
-> Adenoidi, pag. 21

BRUCE SHERROD

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
-> DVD Decameron (BO), 2h:20m:15s

CARRIE SNOW

If God was a woman, sperm would taste of chocolate.

STEVE MARTIN

The oscart nominated shortfilm "The Absent-Minded Waiter"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fsh47iNVRkM
-> Satyricon 2001 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qlf4Akfv8hw)
-> Satyricon, pag. 175-176

(Routine 'hostages': Comedy is not pretty)
punchline: 3 demands: money, getaway car, letter M banned from the English language... If they catch you, you can plead insanity... AHAHAH, getaway car!
-> Satyricon, pag. 111

(Routine Mc Donald's: Comedy is not pretty)
causing fire throwing a match into clerk's hair; everything they do is all one thing: squeak! Hamburger; squeak! Paper boxes. Squeak! Here's your change. “Thank you”
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 113

The public has a short memory and I'm sorry, I hope I haven't offended you; lemme give you a little test: how many people remember a couple of years ago when the Earth blew up? How many people? See: so few people. And you would think something like that people would remember, but no. You don't remember when the Earth blew up? And was completely destroyed? And we escaped to this planet on the Giant Space Ark? Where've you people been? And the government decided not to tell to the stupider people, cause they thought it could affect... AH! Ok
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 11

HARRY YOUNGMAN

What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.
-> Capolavori, pag. 125-6

JIM NORTON

(Luttazzi says "minor" instead of "12yo")
"But shaving my pussy makes me look like a 12 year old!"
... YES!!!

STEWART FRANCIS

I have a girlfriend. I've been going out with my girlfriend for... (pretends to count)... Sex.

TED ALEXANDRO

(15/6/1999 http://www.ericdsnider.com/katz/sissy-boy/)
Have you ever been in church, the preacher is preaching, choir is singing, you look over at the crucifix and you think: "man, Jesus had great abs". [...] Because that's what you want from a savior, you want him to be in shape. 'Cause have you seen Buddha?
-> Satyricon, 11/4/2001

(upped August 12th 2001 at http://comedians.jokes.com/ted-alexandro/videos/ted-alexandro---friends)
[About friend's dreams] You're like It isn't weird at all. It's boring. 'Tis the reason you were asleep during this.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, marzo 2002, pag. 162

And soon we might have a woman President. Instead of declaring war, she’d declare a silent treatment. “Listen, everybody, we’re not talking to Iraq for a week. They know what they’ve done.”

SHEL SILVERSTEIN

My uncle asked, "How old are you?"
I said, "Nine and a half," and then
My uncle puffed out his chest and said,
"When I was your age...I was ten."
(Uncle Shelby's Zoo: Don't Bump the Glump! and Other Fantasies, Simon and Schuster, 1964)

DREW CAREY

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

KEVIN BRENNAN

(video pubblicato nel Gennaio '99 su http://comedians.jokes.com/kevin-brennan/videos/kevin-brennan---vegetarians)
Well, you know, plants are living things, too. They're just easier to catch.
-> Satyricon a teatro

LARRY MILLER

(http://www.jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=1788)
[...] If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half. [...] Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 107

I just broke up with someone, and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anybody like me again." And I was thinking: I should hope not. Isn't that why we break up with people? If I don't want you, why would I want somebody just like you? Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you have a twin?"
-> Satyricon, pag. 21

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piPyfqAKf6o - Luttazzi's version is shorter and differs a bit)
THERE ARE FIVE LEVELS OF DRINKING. SIX IF YOU LIVE
in a trailer park. But never mind that now. We will deal with five. See if these look familiar.
LEVEL ONE
Let’s say it’s eleven o’clock on a weeknight, and you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave—because you have work the next day— when one of your friends buys another round.
One of your unemployed friends. But here at Level One you think to yourself, “Aw, why not? After
all, as long as I get seven hours’ sleep ...I’m cool.”
LEVEL TWO
Midnight. Had a few more beers. You’ve just spent twenty minutes arguing against artificial turf.
You get up to leave again, and now all your friends say, “Oh, come on, one more . . .” And you say, “Thank you, my good friends, and the Dear’s blessings, but I must away!” And they say, “No, don’t go....”
But you’re a responsible young man starting out in life, and hug them all and say, “We few. We happy few. Goodnight!” And you turn to leave, but ...Suddenly, here at Level Two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. POP! And he whispers in your ear.
And you listen. And that was your mistake. Because once you listen to the devil, you find yourself thinking, “Hey. Wait a minute. I’m out with my friends. That’s important to me. And this is a special night, too. Bobby is celebrating his ...oh, I don’t know, but it’s definitely a special night, though, that’s for sure. Work. Hmmph. What am I workin’ for anyway? They’re trying to
strangle me! These are the good times. Besides ...“As long as I get five hours’ sleep ...I’m cool.”
LEVEL THREE
One in the morning.
You’ve abandoned beer ...for tequila.
You’ve just spent twenty minutes arguing for artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” See, though, at Level Three, you love the world. You feel
fantastic. On the way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar ...just because you like his face. “Hey, buddy. Cheers, man. Whoooooo!” Back at the table, you get drinking fantasies. “Hey, fellas, if we all bought our own bar, we could live together FOREVER.”
Yeah, but at Level Three, that devil ...is a little bit bigger. And he’s got his arm around your shoulder. And he’s buying. And you’re thinking, “Hey, as long as I get three hours’ sleep . . .
and a complete change of blood ...I’m cool. Yeah. No problem. I’ll catch up tomorrow.”
LEVEL FOUR
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. He’s locked the door, but he lets you stay, ’cause you’re such old friends.
For last call, you order a bottle of rum ...and a Coke. You are artificial turf. This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because ...you don’t like his face. “What’re you lookin’ at, man? ’Cause I’ll kill you. Well, then, make your move, brother. ’Cause I’ll kill you. You don’t see me runnin’, do you? That’s ’cause I’ll kill you.”
After he kills you ...your friends sit you back up with another drink ...And now you’re thinking, “Our waiter is the best looking man I’ve ever seen....” Suddenly, the whole night’s not so much fun anymore, is it? In fact, it’s no fun at all, you just don’t know it yet. (You won’t know it for years.) You and your friends decide to leave... right after you get
thrown out....
And one of you knows an after-hours bar. The devil says he’ll call you a car, and a gypsy cab instantly squeals up the second he hangs up the phone, with flames painted on the sides (but it’s not paint), and driven by a real Gypsy. You don’t even remember coming outside or getting in, but as
you’re roaring downtown, very fast, you look at the driver, and underneath the black hair and the hoop earring and the bandanna and the mustache and the cuffed, paisley shirt ...It’s still the devil. Good driver, though. Fast, but good. And here, at Level Four, you actually think to yourself: “Well ...long as I’m only going to get a few hours’ sleep anyway ...I might
as well . . .” STAY UP ALL NIGHT. Yeah. That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board
meeting looking like Keith Richards. Sure. Few mints and nobody’ll know a thing. My boss loves me in sunglasses.
Besides, as long as I get seventy-five hours’ sleep tomorrow ...I’m cool.
LEVEL FIVE
Five in the morning. Whew. After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo
parlor ...(“Yeah, but I don’t know anyone named Ruby!”) You and your friends wind up across the state line, in a bar filled with guys who’ve been in prison as recently as that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil says, “Oh, wow, look at the time, I’ve got to turn in. Well, I’ve got to be in Hell at nine ...gotta open up. This is our busy season. You know how that is . . .
see ya.” Of course, they let you right in, and sit you all at a table in the back that smells ...just about the way it ought to. At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick, blue liqueur ...the kind they use to clean combs. “Say, what kind of wine is ‘Barbisol’?” Who knows, maybe it’s Aqua Velva. At least when you throw up, it’ll smell like the great outdoors. A waitress with fresh stitches in her head comes over ...sets down a plate of finger food—made with real fingers—coughs for a
long time, clears her nose by holding a nostril shut ...And you’re thinking, “Someday I’m going to marry that girl.” This time, on your way to the bathroom, the stranger at the end of the bar punches you ...and then returns to making out with his identical twin. The bathroom has rats, but that’s okay, because that’s what the snakes are for. (In a rare moment of wisdom, you decide to hold it in.)
Back at the table, one of your friends suddenly stands up and screams, “We’re driving to Florida!”
And bursts into flames. You ever make one of those trips? Far away, late at night, with six
friends? In a Fiat? I’ll tell you one thing. That ride back ...is mighty quiet. (“Tell the girls we’re Kennedys?”) Back at the Bucket of Blood—its real name—you decide it’s time to leave when a coffin opens, and Dracula sits up and yells “Last call.” You check your watch and notice both hands are running back- wards. You ease off the chair—which follows you—and head to the front door, which keeps getting farther and farther away the closer you get. You finally crawl outside ...and hit the worst part of Level Five:
The sun.
Ooh. You weren’t expecting that, were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and people are on their way to work ...or jogging ...And they look at you ...and they know.
And they say, “Who’s Ruby?” Look, folks, let’s be honest. If you’re nineteen, and you stay up all
night, it’s a victory, it’s like you beat the night. But if you’re over thirty—or forty—or fifty—that sun is like God’s flashlight. And it doesn’t miss much. And we all say the same prayer then. Say it with me now: “I swear. I will never do this again. As long ...as I ...live.”
And some of us have that little addition: “And this time . . .I mean it.”
-> Capolavori, pag. 167-9

STEWART LEE

(Boy George's Autobiography)
Because it's the last taboo that we have in modern society in many ways and I think when heterosexual couples engage in the anal sex act they are stroking a blow against thousands of years of social, sexual, religious conditioning and in many ways it's the most important and impressive act of personal and private revolution against established believe systems that any two people can make. That's what I always say, anyway. Sometimes it works.

EVE ENSLER

(The Vagina Monologues)
Let's just start with the word "vagina." It sounds like an infection at best.
-> Decameron

MARGARET SMITH

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone:
What are you looking at?"
-> Adenoidi, pag. 12

ARDAL O'HANLON

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0V8Fgt78l8, Luttazzi does this joke about Maria De Filippi)
I feel like I am a dancer trapped in a body of a tree.
-> Capolavori, pag. 33

GEECHY GUY

You should just say no to drugs. That will drive the prices down.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 154

FRED ALLEN (died in '56)

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 108

JAY LENO

(at least before 29.3.03, http://forums.jetphotos.net/showthread.php?t=1039)
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded.
-> 31.3.03, Roma – cfr. Adenoidi 2003

The military announced this week they're planning to use trained sea lions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That's when you know we don't have any allies, when you have to turn to other species....
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 98

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded.
-> Criminoso, 2003, track 1 e Adenoidi 2003, recorded few days after the broadcast of the Jay Leno show

(5 Jan 2001)
After forty years, Woody Allen has stopped going to a psychiatrist. If after forty years you've married your own daughter, you can figure it isn't working.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, 2005, pag. 40

(9 Feb 2001)
Anna Nicole Smith says she and her 90-year-old husband were very passionate in bed. Sometimes she'd bang her head against the headstone.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 40

(20 apr 2001, replace Jesse Jackson with Silvio Berlusconi)
The Crown Princess of Japan is pregnant at last — another international problem solved by Jesse Jackson.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 96

(20.10.2000, replace Bandleader Kevin Eubanks with Luttazzi himself)
The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs — hence the origin of gay pride. Bandleader Kevin Eubanks: "Gee, I didn't know I was gay."
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 49

(2000)
A study shows men are hit by lightning four times as often as women—usually after saying, 'I'll call you.'
-> Capolavori, pag. 97

(Nov 2000)
Playboy is leaving off 8% of the workforce. That would be the guy who writes the articles.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 117

(4 Feb 2000. Kind of an old joke anyway)
In his State of the Union Address the President was interrupted by applause 119 times. Reminds me of my wedding night.
-> Satyricon, pag. 52
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 63

(28 jan 2000, in Luttazzi's version it's about their break-up)
If Andre Agassi and Steffi Grafreally got married, what was the wedding night like? It's in . It's out. It's in...
-> Satyricon, pag. 56

(Sept 2000)
Campbell's Soup is going back to its old slogan of 'Mmm good.' It's better than, 'When Mom's too drunk to cook.'
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 128

(March 17, 2000, about Playboy's 'tasteful' photos)
You know the difference between porno and tasteful? The donkey.
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 53

(Jan 2001)
A study shows men are 3 times more likely than women to use sex to end a fight. This could revolutionalize boxing.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 36

Aug 2000)
Pat Buchanan says there's no room in his party for racists and bigots. They're full up. Apply next year.
-> Satyricon, pag. 59
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 40

(Feb '01)
The old billionaire's last mistress died during plastic surgery – or, as they call it in L.A., natural causes.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 139

(Apr. '01)
It turns out sex can cure hiccups. And, also, hiccups can make sex better.
-> Bollito Misto con Mostarda, pag. 79

(March '01)
In ancient Egypt women used crocodile dung for birth control. Makes you wonder how many other types of dung they tried first.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 20

(May '01)
Is marijuana a problem in your school?" Fred: - No, there's plenty for everyone.
-> Capolavori, pag. 147

(May '01)
Farenheit was born on this day in 1686. He was an annoying man. It was by asking people what he should do with his invention that he discovered the rectal thermometer.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 71

(Jul 02)
A man is suing to make the VIP room in a strip club wheelchair accessible. It could be good for business. The other customers see him coming out and say, 'Wow, what do those girls do?'"
-> Giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 20

(Jul 2002)
The Pope has called on teenagers to practice chastity. If it works with them, he's going to try it with priests.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 266

(Sep '02)
To combat noise Madrid has hired mimes to go around shushing people. Who thought you could make mimes even more annoying?
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 57

(Sept '02)
A priest is being sued for getting a girl pregnant. At least he didn't use birth control. He could have gotten into real trouble with the Church.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 141

(Sept '02)
A guy woke up from a 7-year coma — and immediately lost his job as an airport security guard.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 51

(Sept '02)
A Romanian man divorced his wife because she spent all their money on vibrators and other sex toys. I get the feeling she won't miss him that much.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 51

(Sept '02)
A new trend with dating couples is revirgination. They quit having sex until marriage so they can concentrate on other aspects of the relationship. I wonder which member of the couple came up with this idea.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 49

(Sept '02)
Michael Jackson has a third baby, and he says it was conceived in the normal way. Eew. Actually, it may have been put together from Michael's spare parts. Liza Minnelli and her husband have adopted a baby —which can go into therapy with Michael's baby
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 109

(Oct '02, Luttazzi's version is longer: gives more examples)
They may have found the burial box of Jesus' younger brother James. How hard must his life have been? He wins the swim meet, and here comes Jesus walking across the water.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 71

(Dec '02)
'Playboy' is laying off 8% of their workforce. Aren't there guys who'll work for them for free?
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 177

(Nov 02)
Al Qaeda has threatened spectacular attacks on New York and Washington unless we all convert to Islam. Whew, we thought those Jehovah's Witnesses were tough.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 41

(Feb 03)
Saddam Hussein is creating a buffer zone in northern Iraq, which could extend the war by up to seven minutes
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 91

(Mar 03)
Bush says we'll stay in Iraq as long as it takes — the same theory he had about high school.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 99

(Mar 03)
President Bush spent the day on the phone talking to leaders whose names he can't pronounce in countries he didn't know existed.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 98

(Mar 03)
My wife wanted to go someplace expensive over the weekend, so I took her to a Shell station.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 358

PHYLLIS DILLER

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book. Or a friend who's read one.
-> Satyricon, pag. 142

FRANK SKINNER

(about Buttiglione)
Never trust an animal that's surprised by its own farts.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 265

CONAN O'BRIEN

A Bush administration official told Congress yesterday that the war in Iraq could cost almost 60 billion dollars. President Bush said he plans to pay for it with a video series called 'Prison Guards Gone Wild.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 160

(March '01)
George W. Bush's speech to Congress was interrupted over eighty times for applause — and five times when he was distracted by shiny objects.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 96

(May 02)
Did you see the clips of that whale that tried to mate with a boat? The Coast Guard said it wasn't the whale's fault. The boat was acting like a whore.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 112

(June '02)
Pavarotti announced he's going to retire in 2005. Or when he weighs 2,005.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 58

(Aug 2002)
Leonardo di Caprio attacked President Bush for his ecology policies. Bush said, 'I thought he died on the Titanic.'
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 92

(Oct '02)
There's something in the air tonight, and I think it's asbestos.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 192

(Oct '02)
The opening of New York's Museum of Sex has been delayed. The Museum of Foreplay has to open first.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 12

(Feb '03)
An Australian scientist has invented a bra that keeps a woman's breasts from bouncing. He was taken out back by the other scientists and beaten.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 81

(March '02)
Scientists have reported that the universe is beige — though it sometimes wears black to hide the fact that it's expanding.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 109

CRAIG KILBORN

President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 177

(23 July 2002: http://www.psychicastrologer.com/SdeJ/mrdejim/jul02.html)
Whether you're for or against the death penalty, you have to admit it's embarrassing to be killed by a chair.
-> Capolavori, Nov 2002, pag. 121

(Jan 2001)
In Newark, New Jersey, an earthquake caused $1,000,000 in improvements.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 95

(August 9, 2002, replace Van Halen with Beatles)
Experts are afraid if we attack Iraq it may split into several small states that would continue fighting among themselves for years — sort of like what happened with Van Halen.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 162

(Feb 01)
the weirdest thing I ever put in my mouth was my Mom's nipple. I still can't look her in the eyes.
-> La castrazione, pag. 49

(Jan '01)
We began to suspect TWA was in trouble when we noticed the seat flotation devices were coin operated.
-> La castrazione, pag. 123

(March '01)
The Ken doll turned forty today. [He received a tie from Barbie and a deep-tissue massage from his longtime companion Lyle.] Ken says his only problem is, 'I don't have a penis'.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 91

(Feb '01)
A doctor in North Carolina has come up with an orgasm machine for women. We already have one of those. It's called the ATM.
-> La castrazione, pag. 46

(Aug '02)
The Pope performed a miracle in Mexico. He turned water into drinkable water.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 270

(Sept 02)
The Museum of Sex opened in New York today. Children under 13 must be accompanied by a Catholic priest.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 121

(Jan 03)
A New York restaurant is serving the world's most expensive hamburger, which costs $41. For another $10 you can fly to Africa and eat it in front of a starving villager.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 114

LAURA KIGHTLINGER

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 128

CHRIS MORRIS

(radio joke by Chris Morrison so described, http://forums.chortle.co.uk/viewtopic.php?p=72005#72005 , http://forums.chortle.co.uk/viewtopic.php?p=192838&sid=f34b76473f39bd0f65f0664d49d9a649 and http://groups.google.co.uk/group/rec.music.beatles/msg/c2f597a4c6c7f52f?hl=en
This joke has been also subject to controversy in 2005 between Mac Star and the staff of the Have I Got News For You show, when Mac Star claiemd the paternity of the joke: www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/news/2005/05/23/19513.shtml)
Well it's quite visual, so not sure how it would work on radio, but they showed a picture of Hitler saluting (paper) and Churchill's V sign (Scissors) which is why he always won!
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 144

JOHN STEWART

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 96

(kind of a shortened version)
The Saddam statue was pulled down in Baghdad. Clearly, it was a great moment. Jubilant crowd, very heart-warming to see this. There's a lot of work to be done yet, but amongst all that joy, I think we all need to pause and remember something. Somewhere in Iraq is a sculptor who worked very hard on that statue.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 159

(1999)
On DBK Heaters, which ran ads in Asia featuring Adolf Hitler declaring war on cold: The same ad agency also had to scrap plans for a bbq sauce 'hotter than sex with blind kids.'
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 123

(Mar '03)
Osama bin Laden dropped his new album on us yesterday. It showed little growth. I think he's over as an artist
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 91

(about Rumsfeld, Apr '03)
One hawk, "whose views are just a wheelchair away from Dr. Strangelove"
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 169

DAVID CROSS

(It's not funny, 2004)
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
(After having made an abortion joke) I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 90

(It's Not Funny (2004), track 09)
US soldiers in Iraq asked to pray for Bush. They may be the ones facing dangers on the battle field but US soldiers in Iraq are being asked to pray for president George Bush. [...] thousands of marines have been given a pamphlet called Christian's duty, a mini-prayer book which includes a tear-out section to be mailed to the White House pledging the soldier who sends it in is been praying for Bush. Not only he have to do it, he have to fuckin' prove it![...] “Aaah! Oh God! Oh no! Must finish prayer... God, please see that president Bush... has the strength to... finish his lobster salad... please, join him with your guidance the courage to cut 14.4 billion dollars out of the veterans budged... aah.. thank you... and now I may die”
-> Bollito misto con mostarda

It's all right tho, I know that looked pretty serious I'm a trained actor, but just as you know the fictional soldier I was protraying was actually killed by friendly fire, so... it's not as bad [...] “Miss Anderson, we have bad news... and good news”
“What?... What is it?”
“I'm afraid your son was shot to death in Iraq”
“Oh my God, it's terrible! What's the good news?”
“Oh, was friendly fire!”
-> Bollito misto con mostarda


GOV. JAMES A. RHODES (DIED IN 2001)

(about Berlusconi)
My opponent has done the work of two men: Laurel and Hardy.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 69

MARY O'HALLORAN

My childhood was so bleak, I wanted to stick my head in my Easy Bake oven.
-> I giardini dell'epistassi, pag. 9

TINA FEY

(SNL)
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
-> Capolavori, pag. 149

RICHARD JENI

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 102
-> http://www.danieleluttazzi.it/?q=node/242

LARRY DAVID

The closest thing to a near-death experience I've ever had was when I masturbated with a 103 degree fever. I floated toward a light, I saw dead relatives, my uncle shouting at me, 'Look at yourself, you're disgusting...'
-> Satyricon

STEVIE RAY FROMSTEIN

(the following next 2 jokes are both from 1992, before the Tamaro trial)
(quoted in The New York Magazine, 1 Feb 1988, pag. 39, available on googlebooks)
Hello, Suzy. I don't know if you remember me. You were at a party on Saturday night. Yeah, do you remember talking to a guy with a blue shirt? Yeah, and then later on in the corner – kind of kissing a little? Yeah, well, I was watching you.
-> Comix 1992
-> Locuste 1994, Nr. 9

(quoted in The New York Magazine, 1 Feb 1988, pag. 39, available on googlebooks)
When I meet someone, I never know when to make that first move. But I gotta tell you, I was in a bar last week. This beautiful woman came up to me, offered to buy me a drink. And the next thing you know, it's her place or mine. We're at her place. She says, 'Excuse me'. She comes back a minute later, totally naked, sits down besides me on the couch. Puts her hand on my knee, starts licking my ear. So I figure, okay, take a chance. Got her phone number.
-> Comix 1992
-> Locuste 1994, Nr. 10

(quoted in The New York Magazine, 1 Feb 1988, pag. 39, available on googlebooks)
And she wanted to see Psycho. I said, no way! I mean, that's a scary film. That shower scene, it's so scary — to this day, I'm afraid to stab a woman in a shower.
-> Locuste 1994, Nr. 17
-> Barracuda, episode 5

(quoted in The New York Magazine, 1 Feb 1988, pag. 36-37, available on googlebooks)
Hi, it's good to be here. I was so excited coming out, I just bumped my head. But don't worry, it's not going to hurt my performance. [Pause.] Hi, it's good to be here. I was so excited coming out, I just bumped my head. But don't worry, it's not going to hurt my performance.
-> Barracuda, live 2000
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 142-3

JENNY WEBER

(the source might not be 100% accurate)
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him … is he still wrong?
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 194
-> Rolling Stone

MAUREEN LIPMAN

(1990)
You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.
-> Barracuda, episode 5 and pag. 83

TOM HERTZ

(The New York Magazine, 19 Jun 1995, pag. 52)
For the unmarried people in the audience, let me explain marriage. Somebody comes to live with you and they never leave.
-> Satyricon, pag. 144
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 184

BOB HOPE

I got a wonderful tribute at the airport. They fired 21 shots in the air in my honour. Of course, it would have been nicer if they'd waited for the plane to land.
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, 2005, pag. 43

JIMMY FALLON

(SNL 8 June 2001, about a movie by Pedro Almodòvar)
Dawson's Creek has edited out a sequence in which James Van Der Beek was the recipient of anal sex. Van Der Beek said, 'They were filming that?'
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 32-33

ADAM FERRARA

(on Comedy Central 9.3.2001)
In the middle of sex this girl had an asthma attack, and I thought I was a god.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 133

(Apr'02, interviewed by Leno)
I don't see myself as a married guy. I still see myself as a pirate.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 75

JONATHAN WINTERS

(2000 interview)
My mother gave all my toys away while I was in the war. She said, 'Well, I'm sorry, but how was I to know you were going to live?'
-> Capolavori, pag. 101

AL FRANKEN

(on Letterman's Show, March 17, 2000)
The first politician I ever endorsed was Pol Pot. A year later I saw The Killing Fieldsand felt like an idiot.
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 35

JON STEWART

(Jul 2003, Luttazzi's version reads the Gospel instead of Bush)
Asked about homosexuality at his press conference Bush said you shouldn't worry about the speck in your neighbor's eye if you have a log in your own. Mr. President, I know you don't hang out with gay people much, but the log doesn't go in the eye.
-> La guerra civile fredda, p. 75

(Feb 01)
NASA lands on an asteroid – unfortunately right in a handicapped zone.
-> Capolavori, 151

(March '01)
Seattle had an earthquake on the one day it wasn't raining.

(O'Brien, March '01)
Big earthquake in Seattle. On one block alone more than 400 Starbucks were destroyed.
-> Castrazione, 120

(Apr '01)
The U.S. is selling weapons to Taiwan, and mainland China says, 'We'll cry all the way to our confiscated spy plane.' The outdated weapons will come in handy if Taiwan is attacked by Thebes or Sparta.
-> Giardini dell'epistassi, 18

(May '01)
Nipples are where God grabs you when you die.
-> Castrazione, p. 49

(Feb '02, Stewart's punchline is a jabline in Luttazzi's version)
His wife works at an animal rescue place: "So at home we now have a dog with two anuses and half a dachshund”
-> Castrazione, p. 49

(March '02 )
There is still one completely pure place, a child's heart. Would you like to buy one?
-> Capolavori, 143

(Apr. 02)
Digging up corpses. When I do it, it's a felony. When archaeologists do it ...
-> Giardini dell'epistassi, p. 32

NIPSEY RUSSEL

(about college studs; DL's version is about Rutelli)
(at least Jul 1967: http://books.google.com/books?id=uLkDAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA43&lpg=PA43&dq=nipsey+russell+mold+cheese&source=bl&ots=Chj3QIzT1D&sig=pz6OqQlpAvwY_tmkEmFYRmCn6pU&hl=it&ei=h9s-TuyODM3EswaP6NX2CQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CDAQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q&f=false)
Go to college, see it through, if they can make penicillin out of moldy cheese they can make something out of you!
-> Satyricon, pag. 66

TAMMY PASTORELLI

(on Leno's show, July '03)
They asked me to entertain the troops in Baghdad. I said, 'Don't we have any troops on Maui?
-> Bollito misto con mostarda, pag. 371

GARRY SHANDLING

(on Leno's show, May '01)
The Pope is single too. You don't hear people saying he has commitment problems.
-> Castrazione, pag. 48

ANTHONY CLARK

(on The Daily Show - Dec 2000)
A child is too old to breast feed when he can unhook mommy's bra with one hand.
-> Capolavori, pag. 159

KEVIN NEALON

(on Comedy Central, March '02)
You don't have to swim faster than the shark. You only have to swim faster than the person you're with.
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 219

UNSOURCED

(Luttazzi told it about Berlusconi)
The man is a reverse Midas. Everything he touches turns to shit.

(about Bruno Vespa, Luttazzi's version is told in third person)
Actually Rush (Limbaugh) gave two good excuses why he had Viagra. One was, "I take a 1/2 of viagra each day so I don't pee on my shoes

The immortal composing team of Rodgers and Hart wrote a song in 1933 (made famous by Al Jolson) called "You Are Too Beautiful." The lyrics go: "You are too beautiul/for one man alone/for one lucky fool/to be with." (In his Vegas stage show, kooky Dean Martin revised this to "You are too beautiful/for one man alone/so I brought along/my brother.")

(Reader's Digest, 1967 -
A story popular in Lebanon at the time of its bank crisis last fall tells of a scorpion on the bank of the Nile who asked a frog to ferry him to the other side.)
"Oh no," the frog said. You would sting me."
"That's ridiculous," the scorpion replied, "because then I would drown."
Convinced, the frog took the scorpion on his back and began to swim the river. In midstream, the scorpion's lethal urge became too strong and he plunged his stinger into the frog's neck.
The sinking frog groaned, "Why, why?"
The scorpion gave his final shrug and replied, "This is the Middle East."

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

(Luttazzi does the same joke about Gianfranco Fini)
-But seriously, you shouldn't make fun of jewish people, my grandfather died in Auschwitz.
-Oh, Im sorry.
-Yeah, he fell from the watch-tower.
(widespread joke, oldest reference: Auschwitz Jokes, Western Folklore,University of California Press, 1983.)
-> Barracuda 1999, pag. 99

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
-> Adenoidi, 1h4m45s

(2002, The Onion, http://www.theonion.com/articles/pope-forgives-molested-children,101/)
Pope Forgives Molested Children
-> Adenoidi 2003

(Penn Jillette, in a 1995 Compuserve chat - http://www.thejamjar.com/weblog/archives/2003_06.php (qui in un post del 2006))
My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them
-> Lepidezze postribolari, pag. 15

(*Wednesday, November 21, 2001 -- Old Man/Young Wife)
An old man was 89-years-old and he wanted to marry a 24 year old girl.
His son told him, "You can't marry a 24-year-old girl."
He said, "Why not?"
The son said, "If you marry a 24-year-old girl, you'll have to have sex with her and that could be fatal!"
The old man thought about it a moment, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well if she dies, she dies."
-> Benvenuti in Italia, pag. 38

(http://www.theonion.com/articles/last-living-tamagotchi-dies-in-captivity,8690/)
Last Living Tamagotchi Dies In Captivity
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 86

(http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-on-north-korea-we-must-invade-iraq,11/)
Bush On North Korea: 'We Must Invade Iraq'
-> La castrazione e altri metodi infallibili per prevenire l'acne, pag. 96